TRAPPERISMS!!!


Trapper: Your message service called. Your brain won't be ready for a week.

Hawkeye: How's your head?
Trapper: Fine, if only this guy wouldn't bleed so loud.

(After Trapper has packed up his entire belongings)
Hawkeye: Read this Trap.
Trapper: You gotta be kidding, my eyes are in my duffle bag.

(To Hawkeye, about Frank)
Trapper: Quiet will you? The man is trying to be dull. Go ahead Frank, dull away.

(To Father Mulchay)
Trapper: 20 000 miles from home. Not to have them around. Not to share their growing up. Just wait father; wait till you have children.

Frank: Oh cut the cackle huh? It's getting on my nerves.
Trapper: As soon as I'm finished Frank I'll remove them for you.

Trapper: After six months of freezing your noonie (!?!-Tanya) you're actually going to let a day like this go to waste?

Radar: Here's the coffee you ordered sirs.
Trapper: You're a little late, we ordered it last Winter.

(Corporal Lyle forcefully removes two officers from the mess tent to give Hawkeye and Trapper a seat)
Lyle: Two just opened up here doc.
Hawkeye: We gotta get our food Lyle.
Trapper: Don't say that, he'll skewer the cook.

Radar: It's about this uh, woman.
Trapper: A woman of the opposite sex Radar?
Radar: Yeah uh, Lt Symmonds. You know her?
Trapper: Symmonds... Short, freckles, fat glasses.
Hawkeye: Can't understand why you lost your job at the State Department.

Klinger: Oh! I'm really touched!
Trapper: I always thought so.

(Trapper taking a photo of Klinger in a wedding dress)
Trapper: A little more veil please, I can still see your face.

(To Margaret)
Trapper: Oh shut-up Major.

Trapper: Tell your uncle Trapper.

(Klinger enters for his physical in [what else?] a dress)
Hawkeye: 2 Degrees temperature?
Trapper: He's not a well woman.
...
Hawkeye: (to officer) Step behind the screen and drop your pants.
Trapper:(To Klinger) Step behind the screen and lift your skirt.

Trapper: Nobody's examining me. This place is medically medieval. The lab equipment went up S-W hill with Teddy Roosevelt. Most of you guys wouldn't know a disease unless it was social, and there's not a clean finger in the whole camp.

Trapper: Take a walk Frank.
Frank: This is the Army.
Trapper: Then take a hike.

Hawkeye: Thanks Trap.
Trapper: What?
Hawkeye: You made it bearable. I was lucky. You were honest, and open, and let me lean on you.
Trapper: No charge.

Trapper: I could wind up in a place worse than this? There's no place worse than this!

Hawkeye: He's on 6000 feet and holding.
Trapper: We could do an apendectomy on him without any anesthetic.

Margaret(Drunk): I've been waiting a long time to tell you something captin Trapper Johnintyre.
Trapper: Really Margaret?
Margaret: I always watch you, but you wouldn't know that. Every time you look when I'm looking I watch something else so that you can't see that I've been looking when you were watching. Especially when you play football in your bathing trunks. (Amen sister!- Tanya)

Trapper: It's a letter from my 5 year old. Or else my wife has started writing in crayon.

Trapper: The brain surgeon who fell down a lot.

Henry: You guys said something about taking a picture, could we do it now? I'd like to send it to her.
Trapper: We don't have the pony yet.
Henry: Oh ok. (walks off confused)

Hawkeye: Prince
Trapper: Lightning
Hawkeye: Norman
Trapper: Buck
Hawkeye: Norman's a great name for a pony.
Trapper: The other horses will make fun of him.

Margaret: I don't know which one of you is more obscene.
Trapper: He is. We took a poll.

Henry: Read (his wife's letter) between the lines.
Hawkeye: Hmmmmmmmmm Hmmmmmmmmm Hmmmmmmmmm Hmmmmmmmmmm
Trapper: He's right Henry, that's exactly what it says.

Trapper: It isn't a president's face, but it's political looking. It's a cow chip.

Trapper: As soon as you hear her voice you'll realise that everything is ok.
Hawkeye: You know for a second there I thought you were going to say 'Hunky Dory'.
Trapper: It crossed my mind.

Frank: Ha! Got it! Got every inch of it on film.
Trapper: Really? Let's see. (Grabs film from Frank and unrolls it in the light.) Hey! He's right! Look at that!

(About Frank's surgical skills)
Trapper: I wouldn't let him cut the giblets out of a turkey.

Margaret: She's my nurse.
Trapper: I'll give you $500 for her.
Nurse: Sold! (That would have been my exact reaction sweetie! -Tanya)

(Frank leads soldiers in digging fox holes around the camp)
Trapper: Turning the compound into a putting course Frank?
Frank: Instead of standing around cracking wises, I should think you might want to set an example for the men.
Trapper: Well I'd rather set an example for the women.

Trapper: Boy do I miss my wife.
Hawkeye: So do I. I don't even know your wife and I miss her.
Trapper: I'll miss my wife. You miss my mother.

(After Hawkeye snaps at Frank)
Trapper: You've gotta get out of here Frank. He doesn't care anymore. He's wanted in five states now.

(To Hawkeye, who's craving ribs)
Trapper: You sound like you're ready to go into labour.

Trapper: What a picture of gluttony, greed, lust, oral sensation.

Hawkeye: The rest is downhill.
Trapper: So is your head.

Klinger: I get my lingerie from Chicago.
Trapper: And it's beautiful.
(Everyone turns to look at him)
Trapper: I hear!

(About Klinger)
Trapper: So emotional.

Trapper: I haven't seen her in years, it was a one night stand. No it was a two night. No, I think it was three. (Half her luck- Tanya)

(On the phone to Trapper's said 1,2,3 night stand in Chicago)
Trapper: Hi Mildred? This is John McIntyre... That's right, Big John.
Hawkeye: Big John?
Radar: Lucky.
Trapper: Look honey, I know it's been a lot of years but uh... No I'm not actually in Chicago now, a little west of there. I'm in Korea to be exact... Well I got called up into the war and uh, I got to thinking about you... What?... The war Mildred... The War!!!
(Hawkeye and Radar make war noises in the background)
Trapper: C'mon you guys take it easy! You're worse than the real thing!
...
(Trapper goes on to ask Mildred to help deliver a package marked "Medical Supplies" when it actually contains spare ribs and BBQ sauce.)
...
Trapper: It's ribs and sauce... Yeah, we use them for uh,
Hawkeye: Anatomy practice.
Trapper: Anatomy practice, right... Well they don't allow us to work on real people... The sauce? Well uh, they don't let us use real blood either.... (incredulous) You understand?

(To Hawkeye)
Trapper: He's one of you.

Hawkeye: Say 'hello' Trapper.
Trapper: Hello Trapper.

(Operating with Frank)
Trapper: ARGH! Frank look, I don't mind you making a soup bone of my thumb, but if we screw up on Sgt. Brian here, the fellow outside paying the bills might get very angry.

Frank: Giving in to that Lt. is the height of cowardice.
Trapper: Coming from you that's a compliment.

Trapper: You can remove my foot from my mouth.

Hawkeye: I thought you said he was dead.
Trapper: He got better.

Hawkeye: Trapper, you want to say hello to my dad?
Trapper: Hello dad, your son's no good.
Hawkeye: Thank you Trapper.

Trapper: Frank, that's straight out of World War I. Nobody thinks shell-shock anymore.
Frank: Oh what's the diff? Too much action gets them in the old brain-box. Makes even the best soldier ga-ga.
Trapper: Frank, I defy you to show me a medical book that lists the word "ga-ga".

Trapper: Slug Nutty!?!

Frank: He goes to Tokyo and that's an order.
Trapper: Cancel the order, we'll take the patient.

Trapper: I'd like to apologise for Major Ferret Face.

(While playing scrabble)
Henry: What does "bailness" mean?
Trapper: It means he's losing.

Frank: Colnel, I know you're in there.
Trapper: Very good Frank, now can you describe what he's wearing?

Frank: I'm taking this to a higher authority.
Trapper: Oh Frank, you're not going to call your mother again?

Trapper: My wife says I'm easy to talk to. Whenever we're talking.

Trapper: Pretty dicey.

Trapper: 10 years in medical school and I wind up as a sheet metal worker.

Margaret: We ran naked in the snow.
Trapper: We ran naked in the subway.

Trapper: Just the old football injury.
Margaret: Knee?
Trapper: Hemiroid. I spent a lot of time on the bench.

(Trying to seduce Margaret)
Trapper: We've got cots, blankets and a lot of extra plasma.

Trapper: No more boom-boom.

(About Trapper)
Frank: Egotistical, smart-alec. And he didn't even study medicine in his own state.
Margaret: You have to admit he has a certain je ne sais quois about him. (Ok I admit it- Tanya)

(Margaret and Trapper are, well 'trapped' in the supply tent together)
Margaret: Why can't I have a blanket of my own?
Trapper: Conservation of body heat. 98 degrees plus 98 degrees is 196 degrees.
Margaret: It doesn't work that way. You're just saying 196 degrees so you can get under the same blanket with me.
Trapper: Are you questioning a doctor's medical opinion?
Margaret: What are you doing with your hands?
Trapper: Just saluting.
Margaret: I don't trust you.
Trapper: You don't trust me? John Xavier McIntyre?In my grammar school on Graham Cracker day I was elected crum boy.

Margaret: You'd better not try any hanky-panky.
Trapper: I haven't even got a hanky, and I left my panky in my other suit.

(Hawkeye and Frank burst in on Margaret and Trapper)
Frank: McIntyre, what is the meaning of this?!
Trapper: Frank, does paradise need a meaning?

Hawkeye: Do you know how easily I could live without anymore wounded?
Trapper: That's called peace.

Hawkeye: He'd have them up on charges in a flash.
Trapper: Well that's his job as head fink.

Trapper: Playing Greek bingo Frank?

Trapper: The last steak I ate I cut out of a magazine.

Frank: I'm here on a very serious matter.
Trapper: Well you are a very serious fellow.

Frank: A first year medical student would know that.
Trapper: Well then how did you find out?

Trapper: Frank, you can fool some of the papal some of the time.

Hawkeye: Tell him Trap.
Trapper: You tell him, then we'll both know.

Trapper: You're old enough to fight, you're old enough to dance.

Frank: (Cl. Reese is) the most decorated nurse in the army.
Trapper: Great, we can put some Christmas presents under her.

Trapper: I smell nurse burning.

Frank: Pierce, as your superior officer I order you to cease this harassing.
Trapper: Watch your language Frank.
Frank: You stay out of this.
Trapper: I can't allow dirty language infront of Cpt. Pierce; I promised his mother.

Frank: Get your dirty hands off me!
Trapper: Frank, I just washed them!

Radar: They were chafing sir.
Trapper: I can lend you some baby powder.

Trapper: It's water buffalo.
Hawkeye: It's probably as tough as a rubber sheet.
Trapper: No no, a little old lady rode it to church every Sunday.

Trapper: Here we go caddy, put these in my car.

Trapper: Where'd you learn to drive?
Radar: The bumper cars.
Trapper: Figures.

Henry: I'm going to miss you.
Trapper: Don't blubber infront to the troops. (Radar is the only one there)

(To bartender)
Trapper: I'll have a zombie... and keep bringing them until I become one.

Trapper: Meatball surgery.

Hawkeye: Oh poo, I forgot my sunglasses.
Trapper: Take mine. (hands over fake glasses with a nose and moustache attached)

Trapper: Hm, feels like it's going to martini.

Traper: Come on, give me a wipe I'm sweating like a pig. (I hear my calling-Tanya)

Trapper: Radar, I had a date with a nurse tonight. Find out who and tell her I can't make it.
Nurse: It was me.

Dr: How about some coffee?
Trapper: I'd like to fill a swimming pool with it.

(Reading his mail)
Trapper: Bad news from my wife. She still loves me. Would you believe this? She still thinks I got sent to Korea as part of some secret plot to cheat on her!
Hawkeye: Well, didn't you?
Trapper: Yeah, but how did she figure it out?

(About the Bible)
Trapper: I peeked at the end, Frank. The devil did it.

Trapper: Somebody sneaked in here and committed a neatness!

Margie: Knock knock! Hope we're not interrupting anything?
Trapper: Hey! What are they? They're wearing our kind of uniforms, but they're not built like us. They're all soft and bumpy. You don't suppose they're, uh...
Hawkeye: Girls?
Trapper: That's it! I couldn't think of the word! Now if I could only remember what they're for!

Frank: I insist on quiet in here!
Trapper: Will someone please turn the war down for Frank?

Trapper: Who needs a kid that wanders off into minefields?
Hawkeye: Right.
Trapper: Back home he'd probably be- probably be crossing against the lights.

Hawkeye: Washing socks?
Trapper: I have to. I left them out for the elves to do last night. They wouldn't touch 'em.
Hawkeye: Can you blame them?

Henry: Houlehan's got the nurses so crazy half of 'em can't sleep at night.
Trapper: Yeah? Which ones?

Trapper: Klinger's not a pervert!
Margaret: How do you know?
Trapper: Because I'm one, and he's never at the meetings!

Trapper: I'm taking ten minutes.
Nurse: I'm on ten minutes.
Trapper: Between us we've got twenty minutes. Let's go.

Hawkeye: Your mind is in the gutter!
Trapper: I can't help it. It's attached to my body.

Hawkeye: Stand up straight.
Trapper: I'm standing straight. The country's crooked.

(Eating at the mess tent)
Hawkeye: This looks familiar
Trapper: I once cut that up in med school.

(Radar has 2 mounds of mashed potato on his tray)
Trapper: I think I went steady with that tray.

Frank: Foul- mouths. There is a lady present.
Trapper (sitting next to Margaret): Where is there a lady present?

Margaret: I don't think it's asking too much for officers to be military at breakfast.
Trapper: I can't throw-up and salute at the same time.

(To Frank)
Trapper: You medical moron. You can't even cut a salami without bungling it.

Trapper: It's ok Radar; you can sleep in Hawk's bunk.
Radar: Really?
Frank: This is an officer's tent.
Trapper: Try to snore importantly Radar.
Radar: Yes sir.
Trapper: And remember, Hawkeye would be very upset if you had an accident in there.

Henry: Who's sleeping in that bed?
Trapper: Goldilocks. Her number came up.

Trapper: The butler did it.
Frank: Oh, I was going to see that tomorrow night.
Trapper: I was kidding Frank. The maid did it.

Frank: I just wish I could make out what I'm eating.
Trapper: Add a little salt and pepper. Mustard. Ketchup. Sauce. Flavour.
Frank: And of course, the coffee's cold again.
Trapper: It's getting better. It's less purple.

Trapper: That's enough Frank! 14 choruses of 'God Bless America' is enough!

Trapper: I'll play bartender.

Trapper: Your command of our language is very impressive.
Mr Kuan: Thank-you sir.
Trapper: You must have studied somewhere. You certainly couldn't have learnt english from Americans.

Trapper: Medical officers are sweethearts.

Soldier: I'm not going to adopt her doc; she's going to be my bride.
Hawkeye: Course. She'll make a charming little wife.
Trapper: And you can get her into the movies for half price.

(To Radar)
Trapper: Bless your little belly button.

Hawkeye: Radar.
Radar: Yeah?
Hawkeye: You ate my poker chip.
Radar: I did?
Trapper: Probably the only digestable thing he had all night.

Trapper: You think we like playing around with the nurses? We have to- it's part of their recruiting program.

Trapper: The doctor with the Parker's diploma.

Trapper: You give me one more 'sir' and I'm going to perscribe a 24 hour enema.